


Beneath the Surface

by ZaidValRoa



Category: Bokutachi wa Benkyou ga Dekinai
Genre: Character Analysis, Introspection, Other, Self-Loathing, housekeeping, lethargy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 02:30:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14486841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZaidValRoa/pseuds/ZaidValRoa
Summary: Everyone thought Kirisu Mafuyu was a responsible adult. They were wrong. She was just a child trying to stumble her way through life.





	Beneath the Surface

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The little otters who live in our hearts.](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+little+otters+who+live+in+our+hearts.).



With a twist and a pull, Kirisu Mafuyu closed another trash bag. She set it down and wiped her brow, looking at her now tidier desk. The satisfaction of having cleaned up on her own did little to lessen the sting on her pride for having let things pile up to the point she couldn’t properly work.

It had been a busy couple of days, what with midterms getting closer, but she knew that was just an excuse.

She let out a drawn out sigh as her whole body slumped. There was little to accomplish in standing around, though, so she took the bag and walked out of the room.

As she stepped into the hallway, she was greeted by the sight of several boxes, bags, and stacks of magazines piled up precariously to the point she feared they’d tumble down if she so much as started at them for too long. It had happened before, after all. She searched for a momentary spot to place the bag amidst the chaos, to no avail. The hallway was meant to be a temporary storage where she’d gather the stuff she was going to throw away when she went out. When had it turned into this?

 _Well, Mafuyu,_ she thought, _trash is picked up at night, and you don’t come out of your apartment once you come back home, do you?_

She clicked her tongue in reprimand, even though she knew it to be true.

There had been a time this hadn’t been the case, however. She could clearly remember her first year in this apartment; she’d had some trash, yeah, but she made sure to get rid of it before it started piling up. But as time went on, she started going out less and less until she only left the house for work or some mandatory meeting, which led to the trash to start accumulating.

She couldn’t help but crack a pained smile at that sad state of affairs. That explained the how, but the why had a much simpler and sadder explanation.

Her grip on the trash bag tightened as memories of days long gone wormed their way to the forefront of her mind.

_You never had to lift a finger back then, had you?_

No, she never had to take care of anything on her own. Why would she have to? She was a sports prodigy, everyone was more than happy to coddle her up. Nutritionists always told her what and when to eat, coaches would make sure she’d spend all of her free time training, tutors would make sure she kept up with her studies, her parents would clean up after her and make sure she didn’t need a thing at home… Her whole life was ruled by a schedule, with little to no agency of her own.

And to think she managed to put up with that for so long.

But now what? She was an adult now, and yet she’d disapprove of anyone who would display even half of the habits she did. The carefully crafted façade she made the effort to maintain in the outside crumbled the moment she stepped back into her apartment and she became a living joke.

Her knuckles were starting to turn white from the strength of her grip, not that she noticed. Fighting through a grimace, she walked down the hallway and, grabbing whichever other bag was closer, she opened the door of her apartment and walked out.

She was an adult, so she was going to act like one.

 

* * *

Kirisu Mafuyu walked into her apartment with renewed spirits. She was well aware that the two bags she threw barely made a dent on the clutter that was her home, but she felt it was a symbolic first step. A sign that she was getting her life back on track.

She’d come up with a way of getting rid of all the trash over the course of the week, but right now she was riding on the coattails of that small confidence boost and was going to make the most of it.

The kitchen was—at least comparatively speaking—one of the cleanest parts of her apartment, which did wonders for her mood. She filled the kettle and put it on the stove, tonight she was going to have a light dinner and then call it a night. While the water boiled, she took an apple and started washing it.

She felt calmer than she had all evening. It was amazing what a little change in attitude did for one’s self-esteem. Tonight she was going to tidy up her room a bit, and tomorrow she’d take some of the magazines to the recycling bin before leaving for work. It would take some time, but perhaps she wouldn’t have to rely on Yuiga-kun to come help her clean up.

A ghost of a smirk crossed her face. That boy had been more than helpful every time, even though he had no real obligation to do so. Perhaps next time he came over she could give him a reward to show her appreciation. He liked the sushi last time, perhaps—

The whistling of the kettle brought her train of thought to a halt. She stood in a momentary daze for a second before turning off the stove and turned to look for a cup of instant noodles. Once she poured the water into it, she let it simmer for a while and leaned into the counter.

Perhaps what?

Make him a warm home cooked meal? Yeah, right. She’d probably end up ordering takeout once again. As she looked at the steam rising from the styrofoam cup, she had to wonder when was the last time she ate something which wasn’t instant or frozen food. Again, just the few times she ate at a restaurant. She hadn’t had a true home cooked meal in years.

She huffed in annoyance. Back then, she didn’t have to worry about what to eat, someone would make sure she was eating properly and right on time. She never thought twice about it, the teenage prodigy had better things to do.

The adult high school teacher was a different case.

Not knowing how to cook was one thing, but it went beyond that. Cooking itself wasn’t too complicated. You didn’t need elaborate dishes to survive. Noodles or rice, a side of vegetables, and a source of protein. As basic as it got and yet nigh infinite possibilities. And yet, she never bothered to learn.

_Yeah, that’ll be something to show him. Look at me, I can’t keep my apartment clean, I let my laundry pile up until I have next to no clean clothes to wear, and I couldn’t cook a simple meal to save my life._

And here she was pretending to be an adult.

With reduced appetite, she took her excuse of a meal and walked into her room.

 

* * *

Mafuyu looked at the ceiling in a daze. The bowl was empty save for a few pieces of damp vegetables and an apple core. She felt full, but not particularly better. So now she was just sitting, waiting for the clock to tick away the time left before she had to sleep.

She turned around, turning on the television for background noise rather than any particular desire to watch anything. Channels passed by one after the other, nothing really catching her attention, until the shows all blurred together.

Having finally settled on something not too objectionable, she flicked the remote across the table, not really caring where it landed. With a sigh, she leaned back, hitting a few boxes and knocking one down in the process.

A groan escaped her. She had forgotten these packages were here, they’d arrived earlier that day just as she was busy with some work, so she hadn’t had the chance to open them. She may as well do that.

It was funny in a way, right now she couldn’t remember what most of these were, she didn’t even remember buying them.

Her fingers lingered over the box’s seal, not even sure why she was doubting, before she sighed and ripped it open.

The little desktop fan had been a bit of an impulse purchase, she figured it’d be nice to have for those hot summer nights. Of course, summer was over, and whatever lingering heat bled into the first weeks of autumn was well within acceptable limits, and even if it wasn’t, she had a perfectly functioning air conditioner which rendered the whole purpose of the fan moot.

The sense of apathy which had dawned upon her found new focus on the little device. Essentially pointless and past the point in its life where it could’ve been useful. Why had she even bothered?

With a shake of her head, she set the fan on her table. Perhaps she was just overthinking things, she may find little use for the fan, but she liked it and had the financial capacity to buy it. There was nothing wrong with that.

Even if she tried her best to pour determination into those words, they still sounded hollow to her.

What good is so called ‘financial stability’ if she’s going to spend so freely on things she may at best use once and never again. How many times had she made soft-boiled eggs since she bought that onsen tamago maker?

She didn’t have to check the other packages to know they were filled with similar appliances bought on a whim. The worst part was that she still remembered all the excuses she made up at the time to justify every purchase. Every item was useful, every choice was understandable, every purchase was wise.

_Pitiful._

_You just saw a fancy trinket which caught your eye and you went for it without a second thought. Disgraceful. What are you, Mafuyu, a child?_

A grimace spread over her face to match the bitterness of her thoughts. Every little shred of confidence she’d mustered up before was gone now, replaced with lethargy and a measure of disgust.

She should throw these things away, not even bother to open them, just jam them in trash bags and kick them out. She should just throw everything away, for whatever good it did for her.

 _It wouldn’t be the first time,_ her mind added.

She scoffed. Then did it again. Then she hugged herself because she didn’t know what to do with her hands and didn’t trust herself not to break something if she didn’t calm down. For a while, the noise of the television filled the room. She didn’t move, she didn’t open her eyes, she didn’t even want to breathe too loudly.

Laughable. Getting so worked up over nothing. And yet she couldn’t come up with any word of reassurance.

She wanted the day to be over, at least she could distract herself at work tomorrow.

With barely any energy left, she stood up, picked up the styrofoam bowl, and walked out of the room.

 

* * *

With a twist and a pull, Kirisu Mafuyu closed another trash bag. She’d taken the leftovers from dinner, the packages and filling from her desktop fan, plus the rest of the garbage from the kitchen. Once she was done, she’d managed to fill two whole bags.

Leave it up to her to do a lot of work and yet end up in the same place regardless.

She walked into the hallway, not even bothering to berate herself. Rather than looking for a spot to place the bags, she just threw them against the door so she’d be forced to take them out tomorrow. She spared the sorry mess one last glance before turning around and out of the hallway.

Kirisu closed the door and rested her back against it. She ran her fingers through her hair as she slid down to the floor, her spirits sinking with her.

How? How had her life gotten to this point? She wasn’t stupid, she knew this was bad, she knew _she_ was doing badly. When had she stopped caring? When had she settled for this? When had she started feeling content with… with this life?

When had she given up?

Though silent, the empty room screamed at her with no shred of sympathy nor kindness. The stacked boxes, the piles of magazines, the bags of dirty clothes, they all loomed over her, towered over her, circling her and suffocating her.

She felt trapped, as if she’d stepped into quicksand and was sinking more and more with each passing day. The worst part was that she could come out of it, she could make changes and improve her life.

And still she wouldn’t.

She couldn’t muster up the energy to get herself out of this rut. She would stay the course, spiralling deeper and deeper into misery because she was a disappointment who couldn’t get anything done for the life of her.

Pathetic.

She let out a sigh which felt closer to a whimper as she buried her face between her hands. In an effort to stay calm, she took deep breath after deep breath, with little success. She almost wanted to cry, but it felt like too much of a bother. Everything did. Why should she bother doing anything knowing she’s going to botch it anyways. She was a useless, good for nothing slob and she knew it.

For a while, the only sound in the apartment was that of gentle sniffing.

However, after suppressed sobs and tears held back by pride alone, one word rang on her mind.

“No.”

The surprise at hearing a real voice after hours, even if it was her own, was short lived. That dull ache which had nestled deep in her chest was slowly replaced by a raging fire.

“No!”

One which proved to be like a burning fire she could not endure.

“I am not a failure,” Kirisu half said, half yelled. “I’m not a failure… I’m a good teacher. I am a good teacher.”

Her breathing was still laboured, but she was too focused on herself to notice. Her words lingered in her ears, and even though they offered little comfort, it was enough to calm her down, enough for her to hold back the tears, enough for her to find the energy to stand up.

Just as she did so, her gaze settled on the cabinet covered by a blanket right next to her bed. She felt a shiver run down her spine, but dared not show it, as though fearing it would judge her for showing weakness.

“I _am_ a good teacher,” she said, speaking with more strength and conviction than she had felt all day. “I work hard every day for the sake of my students.”

The cabinet didn’t reply.

Her fingernails dug into her palms, but she barely paid it any mind. She stood straight, looking down at the covered piece of furniture with revulsion. “I wear myself thin for those kids, day in and day out. I do my best and nobody can take that away from me, nobody! I _earned_ that!”

She was shaking from the force of her shouting and her knuckles were white due to the strength of her grip. Her neighbours would probably complain due to the noise at this hour, but she couldn’t care less at this point.

Let them complain.

“I don’t care if they don’t agree with me, I don’t care if they don’t like me, I don’t care if they hate me. I’m still going to do my best to nurture their talents, so they can have a good life ahead of them.”

With decisive steps, she marched towards the cabinet, stopping short of crashing into it. The white blanket sat undisturbed on top of it, as if mocking how worked up she’d gotten, its stillness contrasting with the simmering rage in her which had her whole body shivering.

“You’re nothing but a relic from the past. I am a teacher right now, and I achieved that myself. I’m going to be the teacher they need me to be so they don’t—”

She was ready to scream at the sight of the empty cups and old photos. Once she pulled the blanket and saw her reflection on the glass, though, she could no longer bring herself to yell. One look at the bitter glare staring back at her was enough to defuse her anger. She almost looked away, but then caught a glimpse of her younger self smiling up at her. Her whole body slumped, disarmed by the joy of her teenage self.

“So they don’t end up like me,” she finished her thought. “So they can have a fulfilling life and without regrets.”

Images of the last decade of her life flashed across her mind. Years spent alone all blurred together into a sea of sameness where she could not tell apart a day of the past week from one five years ago.

She no longer felt mad, she no longer felt vindictive, truth be told, she didn’t feel much of anything, perhaps a bit of melancholy. She let out a defeated sigh as she averted her gaze. She didn’t want to do anything anymore, other than the day to be over.

The blanket was still on her hand. With quick motions, she threw it over the cabinet, not even bothering to cover it properly, before throwing herself on the bed. She should change into her pyjamas, she should turn off the lights, she should get in the bed.

She should also stop feeling sorry for herself, yet here she was. It all seemed like too much effort right now.

What a joke.

She laid there, trying to keep her mind blank so she could sleep. Her eyes stung and soon started to water, but she didn’t bother suppressing them this time. The tears flowed freely, dampening the bed covers.

 _You’re pathetic, Mafuyu,_  she thought, as if speaking in second person would somehow soften the blow.

Quite some time passed before she fell asleep, but as she slowly drifted into unconsciousness, the pain in her chest did not lessen.

 

* * *

The sky showed the first signs of a red tint to it as the sun had started its trek downwards. Kirisu looked upwards at the clouds, trying to occupy her mind on their nebulous shapes lest the memories of the previous day rushed back.

Hence, she waited, sitting patiently on the low wall surrounding the garden on the entrance of her apartment building, telling herself over and over again that there was no shame in asking for help. Even if that help came from—

“Good evening, Kirisu sensei.”

She looked down at the source of the voice. Yuiga Nariyuki shot back a smile at her. For her part, she remained stoic. She closed her eyes and turned away, feigning disinterest.

“Good evening, Yuiga-kun. I didn’t expect to see you around these parts so early,” she replied, not mentioning she’d been waiting for half an hour already.

“Well, the girls did well on their last test, so I thought they earned themselves a break,” he gave a shrug, scratching his right cheek as he looked wistfully into the distance.

 _How considerate_ , she thought. While in anyone else she may have seen an excuse to slack off, she knew better. She knew him to be kind enough to care about the well-being of the girls.

“Ah, and also…” he trailed off, averting his gaze as he got visibly nervous.

“Yes?”

“Well, it’s just that you were looking tired today, and I wanted to know if you were alright.”

Kirisu looked back at him and saw a small blush across his face. Averting her eyes once more, she cleared her throat and spoke, “I’m alright, Yuiga-kun. You have no need to worry.”

“Oh! Uh… Sure,” he said with embarrassment clear in his voice. She also noticed his awkward smile wavered for a second.

“But,” she interjected, “thanks for worrying. It’s appreciated.”

Her words seemed to lift a burden from his shoulders, and she almost had the urge to give him a reassuring smile. It was short lived.

She felt a bit restless, not knowing how to bring up the topic, so she glanced at the apartment, and then back at him. Part of her was afraid of bringing up her plea for help, almost as if in doing so she was admitting defeat. Admittedly, it was a large part, but the rest was already sick of her situation.

“Would you like me to help you clean up, sensei?”

He was considerate enough to put it as a question, as thought they both didn’t know she was hopeless on her own.

“I would… appreciate it,” she said, venturing a glance at him.

“You’re welcome, Kirisu sensei,” he added with a little tilt of his head.

With a bit of luck, his optimism would prove to be contagious. With whatever shred of dignity she had left, she stood up and walked into her apartment, making sure Yuiga-kun followed her close behind.

She hoped her steps didn’t carry any if the lethargy she still felt in her, but she didn’t really care. She just wanted to get her apartment cleaned and hoped her spirits would rise as well. Yuiga-kun was making some small-talk, she noticed. She hadn’t been paying much attention, so she just nodded and gave a small hum of agreement.

“Oh, Kirisu sensei, I was wondering if you could help me go over some of today’s material,” he suddenly asked her.

Stunned, she stopped and looked back at him hoping to find a trace of contempt or condescendence only to find genuine eagerness in his eyes. Being caught off guard, she wasn’t sure how to reply, so she just nodded once again.

“Thanks, sensei. I’m glad I can get these study sessions with you, you’re a great teacher.”

To an outside observer, Kirisu Mafuyu wouldn’t seem to have been affected by her student’s words all that much. However, a keener observer would’ve noticed the little hints which showed what truly transpired in her mind.

Wide eyes, slumped shoulders, lips slightly parted.

His words hit her like a brick. Though it’d be more appropriate to say it hit her like a needle in a pressure point. Hearing that… While it in no way eased the pain of the previous day, it managed to make her feel something other than contempt. Hearing that bit of well intentioned praise was reassuring. It told her that she was right, that she wasn’t a complete mess, that she still had something good in her life.

“Sensei?” he asked, breaking her out of her trance. “Ah! Sorry, did I say something wrong?”

He then started going on an apologetic tirade, but before he could work himself up into a frenzy, she calmed him down.

“Sure thing, Yuiga-kun. I’d be glad to help you study,” she said, enjoying the little stunned expression on his face.

She was a good teacher. And perhaps, she could still regain control of her life.

Yes. The past was in the past. Teaching was her present, and she was going to keep working on it to ensure a better future for herself and for her students.

Kirisu Mafuyu turned around and walked towards her apartment, not wanting to make it obvious to him that she had a small smile on her face.


End file.
